In a way, that’s what the TV networks are doing. Because it’s theoretically possible that the strike won’t happen-yeah, and Jerri theoretically had a chance to win “Survivor,” too-the networks are starting to put together their fall schedules. It’s tempting to call this a “dummy” schedule, which is to say a line-up the networks put down on paper even though they know they’ll never use it. But the word “dummy” seems confusing, given how that could well describe the stuff the networks throw at us for real every year. So let’s just call this a “What If” schedule. As in: what if the knuckleheads negotiating for the writers, actors, producers and studios stop bickering over how many times they should be paid for airing the same lousy programs over and over? What if they tamed their egos enough to stop kvetching about how big their names should appear on screen? What if they finally recognize that a strike will only help all those Mark Burnett wannabes waiting to unleash dozens of Richard Hatch wannabes on America. What if all that happened? What would we see on television this fall? How nice of you to ask.
Or maybe not so nice, considering many of the shows the networks are developing. Because this is television, you can expect to see a lot of reruns-which is to say shows that sound suspiciously like programs that are already on the air. Take the going-home show. Hot on the heels of “Ed” and “Providence,” there’s a slew of programs where the main character leaves the big, bad city and heads back to the cradle of small-town America. “Glory Days” is a WB show created by Kevin Williamson (“Scream,” “Dawson’s Creek”) about a burned-out writer who returns home looking for inspiration. “The Second Act” (CBS) stars James Cromwell (“Babe”) as a senator who loses his re-election bid and moves back in with his adult daughters. “The Education of Max Bickford” (CBS) stars Oscar-winner Marcia Gay Harden as a professor who heads back to her alma mater, where she works with her mentor, played by Richard Dreyfuss. Didn’t any of the networks pay attention to what happened when John Goodman headed back to “Normal, Ohio?”
The most-anticipated repatriation show will likely be a vehicle for a real-life gay actor: Ellen DeGeneres. CBS has been working on her program for more than a year. At one time, it was to be something of a variety show. Now, it’ll just be another program where an urbanite goes back to her small-town roots. At least DeGeneres has enough of a sense of humor to laugh at her TV return. The show is titled “Ellen, Again.” Yep, Ellen will be gay again, too. But this time she won’t be the lone homosexual on TV. Though “Will & Grace” is the only gay-oriented network show to survive more than a season, homosexuals are still trendy in TV land. So trendy that even RuPaul is up for his (or is that her?) own series, a UPN sitcom called “The Tranny,” about a cross-dressing nanny. CBS goes in the opposite direction with “Say Uncle,” a drama starring Ken Olin (“thirtysomething”) as a gay man who inherits his niece and nephew.
Olin is one of several actors who found fame as part of TV ensemble and now hopes to star in his own show. “Seinfeld” alums Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Jason Alexander are putting together their own pilots. Cheri Oteri moves from “Saturday Night Live” to “Loomis,” a program about a celebrity who goes back to a small town and has to deal with her family (another one of those?). Kim Delaney, formerly of “NYPD Blue,” moves south to “Philly,” a show about a single mom who opens a law practice for inner-city clients. (Sounds like she’s moved in on “Erin Brockovich” territory, too.) In fact, it’s shaping up to be a big season for location titles. “Born in Brooklyn,” “North Hollywood,” “Hudson County” and “Pasadena” are all playing national geographic. And if they both make it on the schedule, will anyone be able to distinguish between the WB’s “Smallville” and ABC’s “Tikiville”? It’ll be fun to see which network blinks first and changes its title.
And then there are the feats of unoriginality so shameless that they make all those endless nights of “Millionaire” look like daring programming. NBC is offering its third iteration of “Law & Order,” this one subtitled “Criminal Intent.” The WB is playing with the idea of a primetime version of “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl,” the cheesy Saturday morning show that originally featured “Days of Our Lives” star Deidre Hall. NBC is working on “Anne Rice’s Earth Angels,” about angels who help earthlings-and are apparently more effective at it than the angels on CBS’s “Touched by an Angel.”
Last, considering the continued success of lawyer shows as well as the amazing popularity of “The West Wing,” it’s not surprising that a network would want to combine both concepts in a show about the Supreme Court. But do we need two shows about the brethren (and sistren) simultaneously? CBS is developing “First Monday” with James Garner while ABC is putting together “The Court” with Sally Field. Give the edge to Field here. The former flying nun knows what it takes to work those awful black robes.
