One less hole to fill come September. A classic example: “Malcolm in the Middle,” Fox’s hit family sitcom, which was a midseason replacement in 2000. But “Malcolm” is also an exception, because most of this stuff is big honking crap. Typically, midseason replacements are fall TV candidates that stunk, so they’ve been put on the shelf for six months in the hopes that they can magically, on their own, unstink by March.
Do we really need to waste our time on this stuff? Do we really need to watch “The Fighting Fitzgeralds” to know that it’s yet another doomed half-hour about a family of bickering Irishmen? (And that title-could it get any more transparent? The Fitzgeralds? Why not just call the show “The Bickering Irishmen”?) Now mind you, I’m not raising any intellectual objections to crappy TV. I love crappy TV. I lap it up like it’s free imported beer. Heck, this whole piece is about crappy TV. The point is, there’s good crap-nay, really brilliant crap-out there already, and the Big Four networks should get out of the crap-making business and leave it to the folks who do it best: basic cable. Thanks to cheapo, hour-eating channels like E! and UPN and, of course, MTV, this genre has entered its Golden Age. Never has crappy TV been this good. These are exciting times!
The trouble is, to see the best of the bilge, you’ve got to stay up late. Really late. See, prime-time television is who we want to be: downy skin, shapely hair, living in expansive apartments with our wacky friends, clutching the mythical Endless Lease. Late-night crappy TV is who we really are: drunk and missing our left shoe. Even when we’re pretty, we’re ugly, and that’s what we want to see after 11 o’clock. During prime time, we laugh with. Late at night, we laugh at.
Of course, for many of you, there’s no laughing late at night, just sleeping. But what do you do the next time a bout of insomnia keeps you on the couch past “E.R.”? Read a book? Tee-hee. Check out these shows, and pretty soon you’ll look to forward to insomnia like it’s your next birthday.
“Street Smarts” (The WB, 1 a.m. EST Monday-Friday)
Folks, America is a stupid, stupid country. Have you seen Jay Leno venture out of his studio and ask ordinary folks very simple questions, which they invariably get wrong? “Street Smarts” swipes that gag and makes a game show out of it. Same questions, same dumb people. The new wrinkle is two studio contestants, who try to guess how the dummies will do. The game show aspect of “Street Smarts” is a pointless contrivance-I’ve watched it countless times and I still have no idea what the winner gets. But I still get the giggles when I think of Christina, a sweet, chubby-cheeked young woman who, after being asked, “Cyrano de Bergerac was famous for having a really large what?” responded: “Uh, rack?”
“Wild On …” (E!, 12 a.m. EST Monday-Friday)
Each episode, comely host Brooke Burke visits a new tropical destination (“Wild On Cancun,” “Wild on St. Croix,” etc.) searching for a hot spot that doesn’t hold a wet T-shirt contest. She hasn’t found one yet, bless her heart. To be fair, such shenanigans are only one half of “Wild On …” Burke also takes viewers on a series of day trips exploring the region’s history and culture. It’s really quite educational. Then the sun sets and it’s back to young, smashed co-eds pouring Stoly shots on each other. The segues, as you can imagine, are often bumpy. On a recent episode, “Wild on the Mayan Riviera,” the producers pulled aside a bikini-clad princess to help introduce a historical segment; she shrugged and said, helpfully, “I really don’t care who the Mayans were.” What a coincidence! Neither do I! I love this show!
Check out these shows, and pretty soon you’ll look to forward to insomnia like it’s your next birthday.
“Blind Date” (The WB, 11 p.m. EST Monday-Friday)
After hours, the only thing more amusing than watching pretty people who can barely stand up is watching pretty people who can barely stand each other. On the WB’s Gen-X version of “The Dating Game,” a camera crew tags along as two horribly mismatched singles discover over the course of a very long date how little they have in common. Hilarious predate interviews set the stage. (Alisa [bubbly, slow]: “I’m all about spontaneousness.” A.J. [Brazilian, horny]: “I love so much women’s bodies.”) Gloriously, though, no matter how badly the date is going, the producers steer every activity toward sex, as if through sheer persistence they can convince the singles to give in and neck. Hence the inevitable dip in the hot tub, “Blind Date”’s de rigeur denouement.
“Junkyard Wars” (TLC, 11 p.m. EST Monday)
The Learning Channel’s “Junkyard Wars” sets up a competition between teams of engineers, who have 10 hours to build a contraption out of spare parts and scrap metal. Here, their challenge is a “pumpkin canon”
My current obsession is this English import on the Learning Channel: two teams of engineers and mechanics get dumped in a junkyard, where they each have 10 hours to design and build a predetermined contraption (a moped, a motorboat, etc.) out of spare parts and scrap metal. It’s a silly, ingenious hybrid of “Survivor” and “MacGyver,” with some “Mad Max” atmospherics tossed in for flavor. To be honest, I blanch at calling it crappy TV since, really, it’s almost precisely the opposite: the players are geeky, caked in dirt, and really, really smart. So what’s the appeal? It’s sort of like why stoned people watch documentaries about bees. The British accents, the boggling science-speak, the politely suppressed tension-I can’t wait for “Too Hot for TLC.”
“Undressed” (MTV, 1 a.m. EST Monday-Friday … but MTV is sneaky, so check local listings. Also: the show actually airs first at 11 p.m., but for full nocturnal effect, skip it and catch the 1 a.m. rebroadcast.)
This show is the Stanley Cup of late-night crappy TV. What a concept! A soap opera about sex starring beautiful, half-naked college kids? Genius! Just think of the money MTV is saving on costume design! (By the way, I’d like to note, quickly, that I’m 24, so this is all OK and not at all creepy.)
Here’s the best part: every few episodes, the characters disappear, never to return, and a new cast replaces them. Now if that’s not an apt metaphor for youthful amore, then I’m Dr. Frikkin’ Ruth. But truthfully, what makes “Undressed” such a blast isn’t the sex. I mean it. It’s the tone: the show is titillating and intense-only Showtime’s “Queer as Folk” is as ambitious in its depiction of gay intimacy-but it’s also refreshingly light-hearted. Someone could actually come away from the show feeling (gulp) more comfortable with themselves. And that’s very … nope, come to think of it, I was wrong. It’s the sex.
