Attachment styles develop in childhood and continue into adulthood. Anxious attachment—also known as ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied attachment—usually happens because there was an inconsistent relationship with a parent or caregiver during childhood.
With therapy, it’s possible to change attachment styles and have healthy relationships.
This article explains the characteristics of anxious attachment, how to recognize signs of anxious attachment in yourself and others, and strategies for coping.
Characteristics of the Anxious Attachment Style
Adults with anxious attachment often need constant reassurance in relationships, which can come off as being “needy” or “clingy.”
One study found that anxious attachment can affect trust in a relationship. People who experience anxious attachment are more likely to become jealous, snoop through a partner’s belongings, and even become psychologically abusive when they feel distrust.
You might have an anxious attachment style if you:
Worry a lot about being rejected or abandoned by your partnerFrequently try to please and gain approval from your partnerFear of infidelity and abandonmentWant closeness and intimacy in a relationship, but worry about whether you can trust or rely on your partnerOverly fixate on the relationship and your partner to the point where it consumes much of your lifeConstantly need attention and reassurance from othersHave difficulty setting and respecting boundariesFeel threatened, panicked, angry, jealous, or worried that your partner no longer wants you when you spend time apart or do not hear from them for what most would consider a reasonable amount of time; you may use manipulation to get your partner to stay close to youTie your self-worth in with relationshipsOverreact to things that you see as being a threat to the relationship
Discussions about anxious attachment usually focus on romantic partnership, but it can affect friendships and other types of relationships as well.
Does My Partner Have Anxious Attachment?
Your partner might be experiencing anxious attachment in your relationship if you notice that they:
Regularly seek your attention, approval, and reassuranceWant to be around you and in touch with you as much as possibleWorry that you’ll cheat on them or leave themFeel threatened, jealous, or angry and overreact when they feel something is threatening the relationship
However, keep in mind that you cannot diagnose someone with an attachment style. Only a trained therapist can do that.
You also can’t know for sure what someone else is thinking or feeling.
Why Someone Develops Anxious Attachment Style
It’s believed that anxious attachment in childhood happens when a child experiences inconsistent caregiving where their needs are met unpredictably.
For example, a parent or caregiver may respond immediately and attentively to a child sometimes but not at other times. The inconsistent behavior on the part of the caregiver can be related to factors like substance use, depression, stress, anxiety, and fatigue.
Children raised without consistency can view attention as valuable but unreliable. As a result, they may develop anxiety and may perform attention-seeking behaviors—both positive and negative.
How Anxious Attachment Compares to Other Styles
A person’s attachment style influences how they feel and behave when they’re in a relationship.Attachment styles can be secure (a person is confident in relationships) or insecure (a person has fear and uncertainty in relationships).
Here is how anxious attachment compares to the other main attachment styles:
Coping With Anxious Attachment
While anxious attachment can be challenging, having a healthy relationship is possible no matter what attachment style you have if you use the right strategies for coping.
Short-term strategies include:
Research: Learn about attachment styles and figure out which one applies to you. Keep a journal: Write about your thoughts and feelings in a journal. This exercise helps you let out your emotions and may help you recognize patterns in how you think and act. You may want to bring your journal to therapy sessions where you can unpack its contents with a mental health provider. Practice mindfulness: Regularly engaging in mindfulness exercises can help you learn to “sit with” and manage your emotions and anxiety. Be aware of partner’s attachment styles: The chance of success in a relationship for someone with anxious attachment is higher if they’re paired with someone who has a secure attachment style.
Long-term strategies include:
Group therapy: Processing anxious attachment in a professionally-guided group setting can give you perspective and help you feel less alone in your experience. Couples therapy: Going to therapy gives you the opportunity to discuss your relationship with your partner in a safe space and with a skilled moderator. You both will have a chance to process your thoughts and feelings and learn to communicate with each other outside of your sessions. Individual therapy: You don’t need to be in a relationship to address attachment style challenges in your life. You can start working on recognizing your patterns, examining your feelings, and learning to approach relationships with other people in a healthy way at any time.
Supporting Loved Ones With Anxious Attachment
Whether you are a parent or a partner of someone with anxious attachment, you can help foster a better, healthier relationship and encourage them to better cope with the challenges their attachment style brings.
Helping Kids with Anxious Attachment
If you have a child who is anxiously attached, there are some steps that you can take to help them.
Set consistent boundaries: Having appropriate limits and boundaries that are reinforced with consistency can help children feel more secure. Let them know what is expected of them, and what they can expect (and rely on) from you. Remain calm while managing and reinforcing rules and expectations: Follow through on consequences that have been laid out for unacceptable behavior, but stay calm. Show a child that their feelings can be managed. Reconnect after a conflict: If you have disciplined a child, always reconnect after. It’s important that a child knows that your empathy will be consistent, no matter what. If you have made a mistake or become frustrated with them, own up to it right away and make amends. This helps show a child that they don’t need to be perfect. Be predictable: Try to stick to a regular routine, even during vacations. This can give a child a sense of familiarity and security.
Supporting a Partner
If your partner experiences anxious attachment, you can support them by:
Setting clear boundaries and expectations—and reinforcing themFollowing through on promises and commitmentsEncouraging them to go to therapy, or go togetherShowing your partner you appreciate them: A 2019 study showed that perceiving gratitude from a romantic partner reduced anxiety for participants with an anxious attachment style.
Summary
Anxious attachment develops in childhood and continues into adulthood. It’s believed that anxious attachment develops when a child gets inconsistent caregiving because their needs are only met some of the time.
An adult with an anxious attachment style may become very preoccupied with their relationship, to the point of coming off as “clingy” to their partners. They often worry that their partner will leave or stop loving them. People with an anxious attachment style may become manipulative when they feel that a relationship is threatened.
People with an anxious attachment style can learn coping skills and often do well in relationships with a partner who has a more secure style of attachment.
A Word From Verywell
It can be overwhelming navigating the social world when you’re living with an anxious attachment style. However, you should know that you can experience anxious attachments and still have healthy relationships.
If you’re having trouble in your relationships, talking to a mental health provider can help you get to the root of the difficulties you’re experiencing.
Living with an anxious attachment can be challenging, journaling, mindfulness, and therapy, are tools you can use to cope.
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